Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
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Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”