My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
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[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Best spoiler warning ever
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.