i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
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They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.