[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
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I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I know karate and tons of other words.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials