They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
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I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
peep davidson
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window