her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
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Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
What even happened today?
Current mood: Potato
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
I was bored.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die