me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
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“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]