Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
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If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.