Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
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Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.