Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
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getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
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