Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
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Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire