Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
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When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Whoa 😂
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
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If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.