My dad is at it again
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i was baptized in a car wash
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.