Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
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Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
People buying plungers never look happy.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever