[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
You Might Also Like
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
3% human
97% stress
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday