“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
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Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.