My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
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them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.