All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
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Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
“Why you watching this shit?”
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes