“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
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*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.