M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
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8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him