What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
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Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Spotted in New Orleans.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”