Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
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Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip