I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
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Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan