Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
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The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.