Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
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It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Well, this is awkward
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*