coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
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Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Just so funny
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
All my small talk is done with a car horn.