Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
You Might Also Like
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”