A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
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Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Left at a local drug store…
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.