REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
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Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Just ordered me some pizza!
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Meeeee too!
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover