Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
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It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.