Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
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Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
This made me chuckle.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”