My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
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If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.