If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
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my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”