1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
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I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Beware…..
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
every. time.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
There’s no “u” in narcissist