Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
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No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.