When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
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Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever