I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
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“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.