[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
You Might Also Like
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
“You’d better run, egg!”
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout