Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
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My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Denise please return my vape pen
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Most fashion shows these days…
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey