undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
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My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.