This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
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Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
don’t be scared
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.