We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
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Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Good morning, Twitter x
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh