Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
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The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
synchronized noseblowing
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat