I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
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Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.