[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
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the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.