The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
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My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.