[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
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nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
for all #parents out there
WTF IS THAT!
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!