Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
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Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
? 💀
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.