Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
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Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
me irl
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”