Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
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“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Chicago sounds lovely.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something